Insanity is Calling

This was a letter to self written by a prisoner in Pelican Bay’s SHU Program

Last night I received a visit from an old adversary. I was just about to fall asleep when, suddenly, Insanity came calling to do battle. I fought diligently and at no point in time did I yield, however, thousands of emotions were violently killed during my struggle to overcome. I was very much unprepared. The attack was rather ruthless, coming swiftly me without warning. Once the premise was set the fighting began with my thoughts, subsequently advancing to my respiratory system. Durng this time, my mind was being bombarded with thoughts of sorrow, utter despair and desperation. I was experiencing difficulties breathing; Insanity had me in the depths of its clutches, choking out every breath that I took was great persistency and patience, in spite of a opposition. I became exceedingly frightened; terrified to say the least.

My biggest fear is that one day I will undoubtedly succumb to my enemy and relinquish every once of sanity that I have. But wait. Why should I be so fearful? When total sanity is gone, so goes my suffering so goes my sorrows. It is only my existence (my self-awareness) which tells me that I’m suffering. If I’m am to continue to exist in a constant state of oppression, why then should I remain aware of it? Under these circumstances, insanity is the preferred selection while death is an alternative.

Certainly my death is not the worst possible outcome. The worst thing about dying is living to know about it. I do not live in the same sense as one who physically experiences life from day to day. I merely exist within my own consciousness. To the world, I am dead. I am very much aware of my death because I am “the living dead.” The only thing tangible about me is my awareness of myself. Realistically, there are no other physical attributes required for this physical form of existence. I see no reason for even wanting to exist in such a state. I am aware of only myself; outside of this ever contracting coffin which I’m confined to, nothing else seems to exist.

I have absolutely no concept of time. Every day is the same as days passed; today is tommorrow, tomorrow is today, and the past is my future. Sadly, I see no end in sight as I struggle everyday to maintain my sanity. It is a battle in which I feel, ultimately, I shall lose; perhaps even a loss that I shall look forward to.

Insanity has many weapons of mass destruction, including those of biochemical warfare. How can I possibly prepare myself for battle in an environment consisting of utter chaos, hatred and sorrow? In which direction do I turn for Hope in a world where even my Keepers look down on me with contempt and aversion, simply because I am an “inmate” and not a human being?

Why should I continue to live in darkness? Even my shadow knows better than that.

by Theo Wilson

When You Gang Bang

by Min. King William G. Brown-UmojaMalknthanaki (Pyeface)

When you gang bang you will learn to keep your emotions in check. You will learn to keep your emotions in check because the weak will always be preyed on.
When you gang bang you can’t cry in front of other people because you will be looked at as a punk, or coward. You will be looked at as a sissy, or and a little girl.
People are made to be emotional about all sorts of things in life, but when you gang bang you have to keep your emotions in check because if you don’t it is a fact that you will be treated with less respect and honor by those who gang bang.
When you gang bang you are suppose to be strong and hard. If you were to cry every time something or someone your feelings, you would be treated like a weak person.
When you learn to keep your emotions in check you are teaching yourself to suffer eternally.
When you learn to keep your emotions and tears in check, you will still possess your emotions, but you will suffer and deal with them in a different way. You may take it out on others who are closest to you. You may take it out on yourself in private. Either of these ways are the wrong way to deal with your emotions.
When you gang bang you go through so much trauma, drama, and grief, but because of your lack of emotions outward, you will go through more inward, emotional mental pain.
Pain is pain, no matter who you are, we all suffer and experience pain.
Most gang bangers have so much pain and mental grief inside that they grow up angrier, and more dangerous than the average person.
If you don’t wish to grow up and go through more mental anguish, and emotional pain than normal people experience, you shouldn’t gang bang because when you gang bang you will have to keep your emotions deep inside at all times and when you do this to yourself, you will put yourself through more suffering than you could ever imagine possible.
If you don’t wish to suffer mentally anymore than a average person suffers in a life time than you shouldn’t gang bang.

How Gang Banging Causes You to Lose Your Independence

by Min. King William G. Brown-UmojaMalknthanaki (Pyeface)

INDEPENDENCE: (1) The quality or state of being independent. (2) Not subject to control by others

When a person chooses to gang bang, they choose to follow what other people are doing.
Gangs are made up of people who do not choose their own path in life, but the path of people who were also burdened with the false belief that they had to follow others who chose to follow the path of gang members before them.
When I chose to gang bang I justified my actions by putting the blame on my environment and lack of family love.
I was a follower and chose not to make my own path in life.
I didn’t have many choices or role models to follow, but I chose the path of people who were just as confused, just as hurt, just as wrong, and just not independent to say the least.
I thought gang banging was the way of life for everyone everywhere, but now I see that I was wrong.
If I would have made the correct choice of not following the gang bangers in my community my life would be different.

VISION

A nation is only as strong as the characters of it citizens
For the people shall parish where there is no vision.

Whenever a nations identity is defined by their enemies
ignorance and fear becomes that  nations greatest rivalries.

A nation will more aimlessly nowhere… for their past has been lost… In one place with no chance to move.
Because without a past. Visions for the future be comes the paying cost.

It’s the politics of life that will never change… for the games of life we’ll always remain the same… It may be played in different places by different races but the political games of life will always remain.

So when you hear those say: “forget about the past..! let’s deal with the here and now.” Recognize  the fool without godsense… Upon God will frown.

When armed with a past, a nation as a whole, our characters will become strong citizens… Only then as a whole do we as a nation flourish… for now we have vision.

by Tut’shkm-Pteh

SOMETHING AIN’T RIGHT

Something ain’t right I can feel it things ain’t the same so I ask what’s wrong but you say nothin but I can hear in yo voice something ain’t right. I ask again what’s wrong but you say nothing. Now I know you hidin something from me. I know you so I know when you lie or hiding something. I try to shake the feeling and thought. Short and stand offish you holding back. You seem distant and you got an attitude. I can feel it in the air something ain’t right I can hear it in yo voice. Long pauses when we talk you seemed distracted like there’s someone else. I try to shake the feeling and thought. You pushing me away I’m thinking back to when I thought you fell weak. Rememberin that feeling I’m getting angry but I feel like my minds playing tricks on me. I try to shake the feeling and thought. You said I was your best friend your everything you said yes to me. Read your letters and cards and I feel that love and warmth I know. I can feel the sincerity in the words you took the time to write. What are these feelings and thoughts I keep trying to shake? Something going on I feel like I’ve been here before these thoughts and feelings I know them well. I miss my best friend feeling some type of way. Am I losing you I ask myself cause something ain’t right something got my radar up. I close my eyes and say prayer asking god to help me shake these feelings and thoughts. But something ain’t right where’s my best friend my everything my soul mate my moon and stars come back to me I have faith I’ll never give up on us or stop fighting for us. Come back to me there’s no me without you I wait eternity for you. I’m incomplete without you come back to me. Remember one wish have I told you I love you and no matter what cause I do that’s why I hold tight cause I love you you got my heart.

by Sauce

YOU AND I

We argue fuss and fight we say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. We say we don’t want this no more and go our separate ways. Days a week maybe 2 weeks go by. We try to fight the feeling and stay mad but the empty feeling we get when we are apart kicks in. We start to miss each other give in and call you answer and act stand offish. I play tough and ask to talk to my kids.You say they sleep I pause and make small talk until you give in. To stubborn to say I miss you we play chase with each other. We break up to make up there is no you without me no me without you. We continue to play tough when we know we long for each other and need that feeling only we can give each other. We know we are meant to be together but we fight these feelings because it’s to good to be true. Conversation about how we are scared and  confused. We go back and forth we know we share something unique that goes deeper than any bond we’ve shared with anyone. We see all the signs let’s get married you say you wit it but you not ready. You know in your heart and soul you belong to me you got that feeling your daddy told you would get when the right man came to share life with you and said those three words (I love you). You feel it in your heart that feeling won’t leave you keep waiting but you’re hesitant even when you know it’s right. I’m tired of running away and fighting that feeling my mom told me about. I know you are the one  cause when I say I love you I get that feeling I get when I say I love you mom. I put you on that pedestal of love that only a son places on his mom until he find that special one that can give love just like mom. We’ve searched and searched and we’ve found those feelings we been searching for with each other we have become one and formed that special bond and love that only God knows better than us. We are meant to be because God put us together.

by Sauce

I LIVE THAT LIFE

I grew up looking up to niggaz hustlen, gangbanging, smoking weed, and doing what they want, you rap about struggle, I lived that life. Gunshots, drive-bys, laying on my stomach praying, I don’t get hit by a bullet looking out my front window. Five-0 got the block taped off, white sheet in the street, coverin ah body, I lived that life. Roaches, rats, no lights, mom’s smokin, $50 double ups, hustlen for a pair of J’s, cause mom’s and pop’s can’t afford to spend $150 on shoes. Burglary, GTA, dope cases, probation, graduating to gun cases, 6 month juvie bids, to camp terms, to Y.A., to county, to the pen, I live that life. Put on’s asking niggas where you from, throwing up the street sign, and repin, Hood thunder domes, the Loc’s fresh out, testin yo Cripin to see where you at, I live that life. Jansport wit ah banger, that the big homie gave you, shootin at enemies, runnin from 5-0, I live that life. You rap about the Hood, and I nod my head, cause them words you rappin, I live them everyday. You paint a picture, but I live that life of struggle, feeling like there’s no way out, it’s real, cause I live that life.

by Sauce